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B2H FANZINE : What wouldn't Jeff Wood do?
Jeff Wood: SUCK DICKS OR BANG MAN ASS
Lets get right to the hard hitting
questions. Brittany Spears snatch. Yay or nay?
OF COURSE AND THIS IS HOW. FIRST I WOULD HIRE THREE 400 POUND
BLACK SECURITY GUARDS AND A PROFESSIONAL PHOTOGRAPHER.
THEN I WOULD ROLL UP TO AN EVEN WHERE BRITNEY IS LIKE THE MTV
MUSIC AWARDS AND LET HER SEE ME GETTING MY PICS TAKIN AND
SURROUNDED BY MY SECURITY GUARDS.
THEN I WOULD HAVE MY SECURITY GUARDS TALK TO HER SECURITY
GUARDS AND HOOK UP THE INTRODUCTION.
I WOULD BEGIN MY CONVERSATION WITH HER BY USING A "NEGATIVE
COMPLIMENT" THEN.......CONTINUE.
Sluttiest celebrity out right now?
UM, THAT ANOREXIC POT HEAD......OH YEA
NICOLE RITCHIE. SHE'S A MESS, I LOVE THAT.
I'M SURE LIONEL IS SO PROUD.
What the fuck do you think Christina Aguilera would be
doing if she heard “what the fuck do you think
Christina Aguilera is doing right now”?
SHE WOULD SEND A LIMO TO PICK ME UP AND BRING ME TO HER SO I
COULD EAT HER PUSSY FOR 2 HRS, WHILE LISTENING TO MY SONG
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK CHRISTINA AGUILERA IS DOING RIGHT
NOW, ON A CONTINUES LOOP , THEN JUST LEAVE.
I WOULD THEN BEGIN WORK ON MY NEW SONG "I KNOW WHAT CHRISTINA
AGUILERA DID LAST SUMMER".
You say you are for any wet hole. What about a man’s
hole?
I TRIED TO FUCK A MANHOLE A FEW TIMES BUT THE ONE TIME CARS
KEPT DRIVING BY AND I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE WAY AND THE OTHER
TIME I ALMOST FELL IN THE SEWER, SO I STOPPED TRYING TO FUCK
MANHOLES.
PLUS THERE A BITCH TO GET OPEN, THOSE COVERS ARE FUCKIN'
HEAVY.
If you're getting reamed by a dude, but you imagine
you're a girl, does that make you gay?
I'M PRETTY SURE ANYTIME A DUDE BANGS A DUDE IT'S GAY NO MATTER
WHAT EITHER DUDE IS THINKING. YOU WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TO ASK A
GAY DUDE THAT QUESTION CAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW.
Does the bullet that pierced your skull have mystical
powers like the spear of destiny that pierced Jesus?
It is believed that the NAZI’s possessed the spear of
destiny. Do white power dudes have your bullet?
I ACTUALLY JUST HAD A CATSCAN DONE CAUSE ITS BEEN 15 YEARS
SINCE IT HAPPENED.
THERE ARE 3 FRAGMENTS STILL IN MY SKULL. 2 ARE NEAR MY SCALP
AND COULD BE REMOVED WITH A MINOR SURGERY. THE OTHER IS WAY TO
CLOSE TO MY BRAIN AND HAS TO BE LEFT THERE.
MY MYSTICAL POWERS ARE IN MY MY SCROTUM, THOUGH, NOT MY HEAD.
I DON'T CARE IF A CHICK IS BLACK, BLUE, PURPLE, OR PLAID, PUSSY
IS PUSSY.
If you created the world what would you have done
better than God?
INSTEAD OF ADAM AND EVE, THE FIRST PEOPLE ON EARTH WOULD HAVE
BEEN JEFF WOOD AND 5 EVE'S.
Jeff Wood shows up at the pearly gates. Are you
getting in, and what does St. Peter say?
WELL I WOULD EXPLAIN TO THE GATE KEEPER THAT BROTHER SKEET
CAUGHT FATHER PETE EATIN' MEAT AND HE'S SOMETHING EVEN WEIRDER.
HE GRABBED HIM BY THE BALLS AND GURGLED HIS BALLS AND SLAMMED
HIS BUNG WITH A CLEAVER.
THIS WOULD IN HOPES LET THEM KNOW THAT I'M NOT SUCH A BAD GUY
AFTER ALL.
What is your favorite word?
BESIDES CUNT ?
UM......CUNT.
How lame is that favorite is spelt favorite in
England?
ENGLAND RULES ! WHEN WE PLAYED IN ENGLAND , OPENING FOR
DILLINGER ESCAPE PLAN , I SOLD 15 C.D.'S BEFORE WE EVEN WENT
ON AND WE WERE NEVER THERE BEFORE. THEN THE SAME PROMOTER FROM
THAT CLUB , WHICH WAS 18 + TO GET IN, ALSO WAS THE PROMOTER AT
THE PLACE WE WERE PLAYING THE NEXT NIGHT.
WHEN WE GOT THERE HE SAID THAT SHAT COULDN'T PLAY CAUSE IT WAS
ALL AGES AND AT A CHURCH. SO I FIRST GOT ON STAGE BEFORE THE
ICARUS LINE WENT ON AND MADE A SPEECH TO THE CROWD ABOUT HOW
"THEY SAID THAT YOU KIDS AREN'T MATURE ENOUGH TO SEE MY ASS AND
BALLS AND HEAR DIRTY WORDS". CROWED LOVED IT, I SOLD 4 C.D.S
THAT NIGHT EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN'T PLAY.
THEN, HAHAHAHA, WE WERE OUT SIDE THE CLUB'S FRONT DOOR AND WE
FOUND THIS CHICK THAT SAID SHE WOULD PISS ON MY FACE.
SHE SQUATTED OVER ME WITH HER LINGUS 2 INCHES FROM MY NOSE, FOR
10 MINUTES TRYING TO PEE. NOTHING. SHE WAS DRY. MEANWHILE A
CROWED GATHERED. OUR MERCH GIRL, MONICA, THEN SAID SHE WOULD
DO IT AND BEGAN DRINKING TONS OF WATER SO SHE COULD PISS.
THEN ! THE FIRST CHICK SAID SHE WAS GONNA PUKE SO I GOT DOWN
ON MY BACK AND THE CHICK PUKED LIKE 4 GALLONS OF PUKE OVER MY
FACE. THERE WAS A CROWED OF PEOPLE GETTING SICK THEMSELVES,
JUST WATCHING. THEN !!!! AS SOON AS THE PUKER GOT DONE MONICA
COMES OUT AND SAYS "I GOTTA PISS" ! SO SHE THEN STOOD OVER ME
AND PISSED THE PUNK OFF. I THEN STOOD UP AND WIPED OFF AND
SAW A NOODLE ON MY SHOULDER AND ATE IT. ALL THIS FOOTAGE WILL
BE ON THE SHAT DVD WHENEVER THAT COMES OUT NEXT YEAR.
Is James Lipton a melodramatic pussy?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE TEA?
IF HE'S THE SAME ONE THAT INVENTED THE "TEA BAG"
I WOULD HAVE TO SAY NO.
What would like to tell all these PC (politically
correct) bitches who aren’t PC (pro cunt)?
DON'T COME TO A SHAT SHOW.
YOU WON'T LIKE IT.
Do you care that none of these questions are about
your band?
SHAT IS MORE THAN JUST A BAND IT'S MY LIFE AND SHIT I HAVE
LIVED THROUGH HEARD OR SEEN, PUT INTO SONG.
THE COOL THING IS BECAUSE I HAVE PUT IT INTO I HAVE BEEN ABLE
TO SHARE IT WITH OTHER PEOPLE AND FIND OUT THAT THERE ARE
OTHER PEOPLE AS DEMENTED AS I AM AND HAVE LIVED THROUGH THE
SAME SHIT I HAVE. NOTHING WORSE THAT THE SAME OLD INTERVIEW.
On Cuntree, you added verses to your songs instead of
just choruses, why?
THERE VERSES IN ALOT OF THE OLDER SONGS TOO BUT THERE MORE
SUB CHORUSES. I WRITE WHAT I WRITE AND IF YA DON'T LIKE SHAT,
DON'T LISTEN, IT'S THAT EASY. THIS IS WHY THEY INVENTED
"CHOICE'.
IT'S BEEN ALMOST 5 YEARS SINCE THE LAST C.D. "THE BEST
OF---THE CUNT CHRONICLES" AND THAT CONSISTS OF THE BEST OF THE
FIRST 2 C.D.'S "CUNT PARM" AND "CUNT FLAVORED LOLLI-POPS" WHICH WERE
RECORDED IN 1998 AND 2000.
SO OF COURSE THE SONGS ARE GONNA BE MORE ADVANCED BUT THE BASIC
IDEA IS CHORUS AND OUT. IF THERE IS A VERSE OR 2 YA BETTER
LISTEN CAUSE IT'S FUNNY AS FUCK, DEPENDING ON WHAT YOU THINK
IS FUNNY OR NOT.
Do any Shat songs not get put on the record?
WAS EVERYTHING I HAVE WRITTEN OVER THE LAST 4 YEARS
EXCEPT A FEW UNFINISHED DIDDY'S AND A SONG CALLED "SMOKE POT"
THAT WE FOR GOT. THAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN YOU ARE RECORDING ALL
THE MUSIC AND VOCALS AND MIXING AND MASTERING IN 7 DAYS.
THAT'S O.K. THOUGH CAUSE WE WILL JUST PUT THAT SONG ON THE NEXT
C.D. "CUNT-A-DOODLE DOO", WHENEVER THE FUCK THAT GETS DONE.
What is the best lyric that you have written.
THERE ALL GENIUS BUT OFF THE TOP OF MY COCK.
I LOVE " MY MENSTRAL ART GALLARY". I STARTED MY A WHILE AGO
AND HAVE SOME REALLY BEAUTIFUL PIECES FROM BANGING A FEW
DIFFERENT CHICKS ON THE RAG AND USING THESE NICE PAPER TOWELS
TO WIPE UP THE BLOOD. THE END RESULT IS THESE TRIPPY,
BEAUTIFUL WORKS OF ART THAT I HOPE TO SELL AT MY FRIENDS ART
GALLERY IN N.Y.C. SOON. NEED TO KNOW ANYMORE ABOUT IT, JUST
READ THE WORDS. ALL THE WORDS ARE INSIDE THE NEW C.D.
"CUNTREE".
69 NEW SONGS IN 69 MINUTES.
The best place to write lyrics.
RIGHT WHEN THE SHIT IS GOIN' DOWN WHEREVER IT MY BE.
I TREAT LAWNS FOR A LIVING RIGHT NOW, LIKE FERTILIZER, WEED
CONTROL, SEEDING AND AERATION. I DON'T CUT GRASS, I HELP IT
GROW AND KEEP IT HEALTHY. I WILL JOT DOWN ALOT OF STUFF AT
WORK WHEN I HAVE TIME TO REFLECT BACK ON MY WEEKEND AND THE
HAZE IN MY HEAD CLEARS AWAY. I HAVE TONS OF JOTS ON A BUNCH OF
MY WORK ENVELOPES. I JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE I DON'T USE ONE
OF THEM FOR THE CUSTOMERS BY ACCIDENT. I ALSO WRITE SOME OF
THE LYRICS AND MOST OF THE RIFFS MY TALKING OR HUMMING THEM
INTO MY MINI CASSETTE RECORDER. I THEN BRING THEM TO PRACTICE,
SHOW THE BAND THE RIFFS AND THEN WE PERFECT THEM AS A UNIT.
What do you do on a regular day?
THE COOL THING ABOUT WORKING AT THE LAWN PLACE IS EVERY YEAR I
GET LAID OFF FOR THE SEASON FROM THANKSGIVING TO 2
ND
WEEK OF MARCH. LUCKILY THE GUYS IN MY BAND ARE IN THE SAME
BOAT, ROOFING, TREE WORK, GAMBLING. SO THEY CAN TAKE OFF
DURING THE WINTER TOO. IT WORKS OUT WELL FOR NOW.
NOW THAT UNEMPLOYMENT HAS DIRECT DEPOSIT IT'S AWESOME FOR TOUR
ALL I GOTTA DO IS CALL AND I FINALLY GET SOMETHING BACK FROM
THOSE GOVERNMENT BASTARDS, AND IS GOES RIGHT INTO MY ACCOUNT.
THERE'S A SONG ABOUT IT ON "CUNTREE" IT'S CALLED "FREE MONEY---FUNEMPLOYMENT".
Why do I idolize you, when I am nothing like you?
MAYBE YOU ARE LIKE ME.
UNLESS YOUR GAY?
IF YOUR A MAN I'M SURE YOUR LIKE ME IN SOME SORT OF WAY, I
MEAN LOOK AT THE QUESTIONS YOU JUST ASKED ME, DUDE.
BUT AS FAR AS IDOLIZING ME, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT THAT.
Jeff Wood is a role model and would like the world to
know...
IF IT WASN'T FOR CUNT, YOUR WORLD AS YOU KNOW IT RIGHT NOW,
TODAY, WOULDN'T EXIST.
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